Sometimes Black is Just a Safe Place To Be

Sometimes black is the only safe place for me, the only place where the bad

Does not follow me. In the black I am not suffocated by the sad.

Unless you have been taken by the hand and visited the screeching pain,

I say it, not once, but over and over, and over again.

Don't even try to judge me.

Unless your chemistry dips and agitation and turmoil rules.

Unless your brain cannot remember what it forgot, and the world's idea of what will help turns out to be useless tools,

Don't even try to judge me.

When,

You have felt the frightening questions that wail around you, pushing, gnawing, scraping at your heart, taunting.

Then please don't judge me until you understand how truly daunting,

Unless the fear of forever standing in your room and calling out, "I don't know!"

"I do not know!" Unless all the day, or the long-lasting night, you tear at your hair and cry, "I don't know!"

Until you have tasted the streams of salt, your own rivers of tears,

Until even the beating of your own heart drives your deepest fears,

Unless you have felt each rasping gasp of breath,

Punish your burning chest with a fiery death

Ever onward, ever further away, far from the light of day, far from the safety of the good light.

Until it is either hide some place safe, or surrender to the forever night.

Please don't think of judging me,

Not until these, or perhaps even deeper, or worse are your reality.

Black is the only safe place to be.

When the battering voices, or patterned-churning sound to chaos have given way,

When all you can do is wonder if it will really, truly, ever be safe again to venture into a broader day,

If, in the dark, the wind is still, and the pain recedes, and every thought or feeling in your mind doesn't strike a stinging blow,

Or try to tear apart the you, that is your soul; then there is no doubt; you know that black is the only safe place where you can go.

Until a small, gentle stir initiates a slight change, and the air and light, and blue begin to cease to burn,

When hope returns, slowly at first, and you begin to think, maybe there is some place else to turn,

Oh please maybe, another place to go to, to reach out of the black, oh safe, safe black.

Be calm, breathe deep, take some moments, lest it claim you back.

Once you have tested the walls, and the sound, and found they can once again be calming and still,

And you find coming back within your reach, that wonder of; maybe it will.

Once you have taken a deep, deep, slow, slow breath, and asked, "Can you see your way to be?"

Are you able once again to stand, and boldly, clearly say; "Hi, it's me?"

Then,

Don't you dare to judge me, and say that you would always fight, fight, fight!

I have come back to stand here and say, sometimes I must take flight!

Sometimes, black is the only safe place to be.

One thing more, I know, it is not only true for just me.

For all of you who know and understand, how it is not always safe to be you, me, we.

I say to you, I understand how sometimes; black is the safest place to be.

An original poem by Joyceanne Edell

22 February 2011